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Bhansali’s Blue Nights

Bhansali's Blue Nights.


It’s been a year to this post and my state of mind on Marriage and Kids hasn’t changed a bit…Am sure I am on the right path and these are not emotions but the real me!!

A Mother Who Never Was! “Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.” —  Aristotle Every mother is great. So is a father. But if this love is restricted to our own children, where’s the greatness? The ownership factor dilutes it, I believe so. Have seen mothers who may love their kids, but have no heart for the children of the underprivileged. This makes me wonder about the whole idea of ‘motherhood’. A child is a … Read More

via The Inner Voice

Some things in life can actually be bigger than your “dream job”. The way Jai in the film Love Aaj Kal was losing interest in his work, I am getting a deja vu these days.

I don’t have even an iota of doubt that I am in a better place among better people. But I miss something very crucial. There were days when I had so many people to talk to, but there was no quality, no substance in my talks. Today when I am happy, the absence of someone who made me realise what “quality in life” is, leaves me pondering.

For long I thought, love is an “emotion” that makes one weak and so one should never fall in love. But I am happy, time has proved me wrong. What can make one weak are emotions attached to a person. Love in its real form can be a great source of inspiration. “Love is not an emotion. It’s a way of life,” he always told me.

You have “to love” and not “be in love” to believe this. Sounds crazy, but I can assure it’s not that difficult. Emotions make you “stick” to something or someone. Love makes you “let go”.  Today, I derive all my inspiration to do better in life from his thoughts. This is what keeps me going.

But as I grow as a person and as a professional, I miss his presence the most. Today, when I have things to share. I don’t find him anywhere. He has gone away…but his thoughts and teachings have made me a more mature and stronger human being. He had always been a mentor, and also my biggest critic. The most valuable guidance came from him.

Though I miss him with a smile on my face, I am scared this may someday affect my enthusiasm to work. Jai came back to Meera in the climax. But I have become the new Meera, who loves loving her ‘muse’ without feeling intoxicated with emotions.

Chicken Noodles On A Rainy Night

I am not an addicted vegetarian. I do eat non-veg but have left it several times in between, don’t know the exact reason why. I had bought a pack of chicken noodles last month but did not happen to eat it till last Monday,  the same day the capital was in a grid lock due to rains.

I was among the lucky ones who experienced the rain storm, while on transit in the Delhi Metro. 🙂 As it rained, the capital came to a virtual standstill… and I must share that even the Delhi metro stopped functioning for some 15-20 mins.

I came home half drenched. Had decided the menu while the rain drops lashed the window pane of my seat. Since I was feeling a bit too cold that night, chicken noodles was the perfect dinner for me 🙂

The next day, most of the people were discussing the rain. While I was thinking about my urge for non-veg food on a rainy night. Despite, being a spiritual person I have fondness for sea food and chicken. Some one recently reacted, “You don’t look like a non-vegetarian.” Probably, she referred to my soft persona. [Sorry, for the self-praise :D]

I have long been thinking about the association of food with one’s nature and state of mind. Widows in some parts of India are not allowed to consume garlic and other food items that generate heat in the body. The reason being simple: The so-called moral guardians of society feel a woman (who’s husband is no more should follow celibacy).

Even I tried being a strict vegetarian for 10 months, as I felt I was getting mood swings and wild dreams because of  raw food. I had just finished Robin Sharma’s The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari then. This was in 2008.  “You are what you eat,” used to say a vegetarian friend.

I was pretty much inspired and decided to abandon non-vegetarian food. But nothing worked. I still got those violent dreams and couldn’t control the frequent bouts of anger. Then finally, one day my fast broke. I had seafood — just to share, I like prawns and fish 🙂

With time, I observed different people and compared their food habits. I could find many vegetarians with too much aggression. Even, the vegetarian friend I spoke about above had some psychological problems (sorry, am not used to using such words but thats how most of  our common friends described her anger). Anyways, she got a guy to handle her fickle mind. 😉

Today, I do eat non-vegetarian food once in a while. And I can bet, nothing happens to my temper. I have no science to prove my point…but I have just inferred this over time. I still plan to quit non-vegetarian food completely. And this is just for being a vegetarian. Till then, I am loving the chicken noodles … Ha ha ha 😀

The Mysteries Of Shah Alam

Who is Shah Alam? I might have never bothered about this name and its origin. But ever since I changed my number, I have been getting numerous calls from people looking for Shah Alam. And today, sitting at home, I happen to make a Google search for Shah Alam.

The Blue Mosque at Shah Alam, Malaysia

I was amused at the findings. Shah Alam is a Malaysian city, 30 minutes drive from Kuala Lumpur.  Shah Alam was the first planned city in Malaysia after its Independence in 1957.  It is most famous for its mosque, the Sultan Salahuddin Abdul Aziz Mosque, also known as the Blue Mosque. It is said to be the largest mosque in Malaysia and one of the largest in Southeast Asia. The most striking feature about the mosque is its large blue and white dome, measuring 170 feet in diameter and 350 feet above ground level. The mosque has four minarets erected at the corners, with each minaret 460 feet tall. The mosque was commissioned by the late Sultan Salahuddin Abdul Aziz, when he declared Shah Alam as the new capital of Selangor on February 14, 1974. The mosque can accommodate up to 16,000 worshippers. (Source:

Besides, the blue mosque. I found something equally or perhaps more interesting. An online dating site for men and women in Shah Alam.

Some quick observations:

  • There are only 6 women among the 53 registered users.
  • Out of the 47 males, I found a 41 year old man “seeking a woman from 20 to 27 years old.” 😀
  • Another user (female) of just 23 years was looking for “a man from 25 to 45 years old.”
  • But the one who takes the cake, was a guy of 21 years who had posted this message: «im always agree……with whatever u will say …»
  • There was another intriguing post by an ‘inexperienced’  22-year girl seeking guidance from older women.  And according to her post the woman could be aged 18-35. So probably, this young lady had some woman issues. Anyways!

There were several posts by men looking for medically clean woman, without commitment. An engineer looking for long term or short term relationship, etc, etc.

As for the Indian connection of this name, there have been two Mughal emperors, Shah Alam I and Shah Alam II. But will not get into history, as most of you would be frowning 😉

The one Shah Alam, I happen to come across is a stranger whom I am most unlikely to meet. But have had spoken to him on phone. Before you think how? I shall disclose the mystery. One fine day, I got four calls for Shah Alam, and I was getting irritated. So I rather asked the caller, who this Shah Alam was and what was his number. The perplexed man told a number which was entirely different from mine. Shocked at this failure on part of the mobile networks, I called up the real Shah Alam (Yes, I had to do it. Otherwise, my phone would ring the whole day).

“Is this Shah Alam?” This time I asked the question.

“Yes.” Came the prompt reply. So, here I began the show. He was apologetic and totally confused of the situation. None could do anything. But these calls and the search for Shah Alam had sucked all my energy.

From then on, every time I get a call for Shah Alam, I give the real number to the caller and have one minute-chat as to how I got his number without knowing him. 🙂

The calls haven’t stopped, but am no more irritated. Plus, today’s search results were more than entertaining. What do you think? Post your comment right below.  You never know, if you meet Shah Alam some day!

“We meet to depart and depart to meet again.”

After having departed from almost all my closest friends,  I can certainly endorse this.  There cannot be a time better than now to accept this truth of life. My best friend of 12 years is in the same city but is not in touch with me. Where is my closest buddy and alter ego living, I don’t even know that. And recently, I got a call from someone I haven’t spoken to in last six years.

This person (AD) had been very close to me in my college days but would disappear like a seasonal fruit.  This went on for three years and finally we parted ways after I closed college in 2004.  I met him after five long years at a college friend’s marriage last year. We met, we spoke and then I came home with no extra baggage of memories.  Since then, he had been paying constant visits to my Orkut profile. And as courtesy, I had always tried to equalise the visits 😛

But time doesn’t let ego diminish. He did not send me a friend request [ which I would have declined with ease 😉 ]. Two days back, I got a call from him. Totally unexpected!!! We met and then I came back home. This time, I couldn’t stop myself from the nostalgia. How badly had I wished to be with him, to be a part of his family. And today, it did not matter. Who he was and where he was.  I did not fight over past issues but just said some words to make him realise what morality in relationships mean.

He became apologetic to have caused new trouble over his call. 😀

Nah! I wasn’t troubled. I had kept everything to myself in those six years. And felt great (read light) to have said all this to him. Today, I do not love him and neither wish to be his friend. But the fact remains that I have never hated him . I have never hated anyone in my life except one man on this earth (who to an extent spoiled my childhood), but have forgiven him too. Life is all about forgiving and forgetting. Today, I am full of love for life. I do not hate anyone. Neither do I get angry at trivial issues.  I owe this to my guide, my teacher Karthik (name changed). My biggest achievement  in last one year is that my anger and ego have become small. And I can’t thank Karthik (a Vipassana meditator for over 10 years) enough for this. He too is somewhere I can’t reach. But his thoughts have shown me the path to lead the right way of life. 🙂

Life is only about loving and giving with open hands. I hold no grudges against my friends who left me. I still have good feelings for them. As for AD, I just hope he gives up his ego someday and becomes a good human being. Amen!

It’s my third year in Delhi. When I first shifted to the capital in September 2007, I had no experience buying vegetables. And my cooking skills included boiling eggs and making tea. Thats about it. I lived alone in a small flat in Amar Colony surviving the heat and cold alike for more than a year. I never thought of getting a cook for myself.


  1. Food was just a formality to show others I was human 😉
  2. Night Shifts —  Spoiled my face value and eating habits alike.
  3. Money was definately a constraint.
  4. And, the most important of all– I had to prove my family (specially my Mom, that I could cook!)

Every girl in almost all parts of this country is expected to be an average cook by the time she completes college. And here I was, didn’t know how to cook daal-chawal (Cooked rice and pulses) even after my PG and 2 years of job. I learned to cook only after living alone. I remember the half cooked rice and half-baked rotis I made initially. My mother was most concerned when I left home. She always asked–“So, what did you eat today? Momos!” After all, half of the hostelers in South Delhi thrive on them.

Now, I cook and cook quite okay. But the truth remains that I do not enjoy cooking. It’s an art, that I can only try to imitate but can’t enjoy. It can be a mechanical job if you don’t enjoy doing it. I am my sister’s biggest fan [for she is a food enthusiast and a great cook. Hope she’s reading 😀] She has always been pushing me to learn cooking before I found a pit to fall (oops! I mean marriage). But I always declared, that I would either marry a guy who was less fond of eating at home or would help me in the cumbersome process. Mom always said: Where would you get such a guy?

And I always wondered that even as the biggest chefs in this country are males, the concept of ‘cooking’ at home is strictly associated with the female of the house. Women who either remain slow or incompetent after their marriages in this feat are considered lowly and not-that-great wives! I have inferred this over the years. But why are cooking skills a prerequisite for being a woman, specially when you are married. Can’t you be an average cook and still be a good wife. All you need is an understanding husband, who is not judgmental about your nature. After all, cooking is an art and anyone trying to do that may not reach the A+ level.

Many of my colleagues@work never brought their lunch from home, for their mothers/wives couldn’t get up early to cook. (My mother being the opposite kind. I never saw her missing the tiffin as long as I lived with her, except in extreme conditions ). But that’s normal. Isn’t it? I have heard people making fun and cracking jokes on women who can’t cook, at workplaces. What bothered me was the comparison between their mothers and wives. Every woman, working or housewife, is expected to cook and cook really well. Why? I ask? One of my school friend’s mother didn’t cook good. And that was the reason, she never called me for lunch. Amazing hun! 😀

I observed this with many of my friends. They were embarrassed to admit: Their mothers couldn’t cook! We, the makers of this society, have made this the rule. If you are a woman. You ought to cook! If you can’t…you are lacking as a woman. 😛

When it comes to men. Their life is no easy.

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A Mother Who Never Was!

“Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.” —  Aristotle

Every mother is great. So is a father. But if this love is restricted to our own children, where’s the greatness? The ownership factor dilutes it, I believe so. Have seen mothers who may love their kids, but have no heart for the children of the underprivileged.

This makes me wonder about the whole idea of ‘motherhood’. A child is a child, to whomsoever it may belong. I remember bringing home a Dhobi’s one-month old. Our landlady was repulsive at the very sight of his. Later, she asked mom not to let me bring such children in the house. I still played with them in the local park. That was almost 10 years back. The age old school of thought that it’s only when a woman becomes a mother does she command her due respect and space in the social world, pushes me to think as to what and how best can one achieve this feat. So, is being able to give birth to a child a prerequisite to being a mother. I don’t buy this.

“Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.” — Oprah Winfrey

I go by this. I have always wished to bear a child, despite my well-wishers telling me to first prepare myself for the initial step — Marriage. Someone close in the family recently said: I would rather kill my child than to give him/her to you to raise. I don’t know if it was supposed to be taken in jest! I am a sub-40 kg woman, single and an unenthusiastic cook at 26 years. People derive their own conclusions of whether I can be a mother or not.

No, this is not a problem at all. Just one issue: I am no more excited about the idea of being a wife and living in a bonded family. I plan to live in a house full of kids, whom I can teach, play with and love without the burden of expectations and limitations. For this, one needs money, which I hardly have but there’s lot of courage and empathy for children in my account. I guess this should help. How difficult or easy would it be, I have no idea.

Marriage? Only if it doesn’t come in the way. Which I believe it will. All social institutions

Save the girl child, she's a potential mother

from Family to Marriage limit one to love the other because we live with them. It’s difficult to find a man who approves of my way of life. I would rather look for a father for my kids than a husband for myself. My love is for children, deprived of facilities and luxuries available to most of us. This is not just for writing, but it’s my inner voice. I may never be able to raise my own children (as I may or may not marry) but I can still try to be a Mother, who never was.